In this article I would like to describe some basic characteristics of an emotionally unavailable person. Let these serve you as red flags when you’re dating, to watch out for before you get too involved.
Many clients and friends ask me, how do I know if the person I am dating is a player or emotionally unavailable? Understandably, you don’t want your heart to be involved too much when you’re dating someone, only to realize the person is emotionally unavailable. Nobody said that love doesn’t involve risks, but there are some red flags we often choose to ignore during the early dating stage, especially when the chemistry and sexual attraction is there.
So, what are the signs to watch out for?
Inconsistency. During you past or present dating experience, do you remember coming across someone who is inconsistent? The guy would tell you one thing, while his actions say something completely different. Or they would not follow through with what they say they’re going to do. If a guy asks you out for lunch or drinks without giving you the specifics, like time and date, that is a sure warning sign of him not being available. Nobody is perfect and it is understandable to make mistakes sometimes, or things can come up and we are unable to follow through with our commitments. However, what makes an emotionally unavailable person different is the fact that he (she) doesn’t mean what he (she) says. Even if they sound like they do, they still don’t and the truth sooner or later makes itself known.
Avoiding being direct. Emotionally unavailable people avoid confrontations at all cost. They don’t like to be direct and distance makes them feel more comfortable. If this person is not interested in you, it is extremely hard for them to be honest about how they feel. It may seem that she cares about your feelings and doesn’t want to hurt you, but the truth is, she just doesn’t want to be around you and tell you the truth in your face or even over the phone.
Same place, different time. Typically when you date an emotionally unavailable person, all your dates feel the same. You almost never explore anything new together – it feels like you’re going to the same places. Even if the location is different, the feeling of the place is still the same. Or you only see each other at either one of your home, or most of your interactions are limited to phone conversations. You may talk for hours but you rarely say anything meaningful to each other. And even if you do, after a while all your conversations eventually divert to the same subject. What’s really weird is the fact that if you are attracted to this person enough, you don’t get bored with such lack of diversity. But eventually one of you does.
Lack of trust. Finally, even if you feel like you are in love with this person, there is still something inside you that doesn’t want to trust him or her. I think this lack of trust is probably the biggest indicator that you are with an emotionally unavailable person. Your head may be clouded with hormones but your gut feeling will always be there to tell you the truth whether you’re willing to hear it or not.