During one of my intial coaching consultation, a client told me something I found quite peculiar. She said “I don’t want to date anyone, I just want to understand why am I attracted to unavailable men.” Well, the truth is, you are attracted to unavailable men because you are refusing to date. It’s like saying “I don’t want to eat any food, I just want to understand why am I so hungry all the time.”
Seriously, if you think about it, when you want to be in an intimate relationship and keep compulsively denying yourself this desire, by not doing the work that it takes, what do you think is going to happen? You will have a tendency to settle for anyone who is around. You may get lucky enough if this person just happens to be available and interested, but what if it is a married man who just wants to full around. If he is nice enough, attractive enough and gives you enough attention, you may just fall for him simply because you are starving for thise sorts of things.
Think about it, are you really happy by yourself? Do you have everything you need? And if the answer is “Yes,” then good for you. But what if you are lying to yourself and hiding in your isolation? How is serving you? Don’t you feel lonely sometimes and wish you could share your life with the right person, someone you love? Ask yourself this question, do you really want to be in a committed relationship? It’s OK if you don’t, but it is important to be honest with yourself.
I understand, we all try to be independent and self-sufficient. In a way, our society discourages you to openly admit that you are lonely and want to be with someone. We hear messages like, “you will find love when you stop looking,” and misunderstand them, thinking that maybe if we wanted to be with someone less, we would have greater chance of finding this someone. So we try to talk ourselves out of dating. This method, actually doesn’t work.
It is a lot more attractive to be vulnerable and admit it that you actually are looking for someone and that you want to be in a relationship. And yes, that means you may need to go out there and date a few people. Most of them will not be the right fit for you, but it is that one who will end up your ideal match, is what’s worth taking all the risk.
This is 100% what I’ve been doing the past few months. Other than being annoyed with my old friends and family who I don’t hear from, I’ve been happier than I’ve been for a long time. I’m learning to be self sufficient, feeling less lonely and needy. Less pressure to go out and do things I don’t like to meet people who I rarely end up liking. More time to therefore do the things that make me happy (watch movies with friends or by myself, read, study, dance class). I hear that you are saying, I should continue to force myself to be more social, I should call my old friends (who were my only “real” friends until I moved overseas) but I feel so content now, and making the effort was something I used to do, that eventually led to resentment. Funny how your article described my new state of mind to a tee! But I’m not sure I think changing is a good idea.